What effect did Ebby's
message have on you?
Answer
Well, by this time I knew
how hopeless my alcoholism was, and yet I still
rebelled - the idea of a dependency on some
intangible God who might not even be there. Oh,
if I could swallow it, but could I! I went on
drinking for a number of days and gradually I
got jittery enough to think about the hospital
and then it came to me "Of a sudden" one day -
"Fool! - why should you question how you're
going to get well, why should beggars be
choosers? If you had a cancer and you were sure
of it and your physician said "This is so
malignant that we can't touch it with our art
and even if your physician came along with the
improbable story that there were many who got
over cancer by standing on their head in the
public square crying 'Amen' and if he could
really make a case that it was so, yes Bill
Wilson, if you had cancer, you too would be out
in the public square ignominiously standing on
your head and crying 'Amen'- anything to stop
the growth of those cells and that would be the
first priority, and your pride would have to
go."
And then I asked myself "Is my
case different now? Have I not an allergy of the
body; have I not a cancer of the emotions - yes,
and maybe I have a cancer of the soul which has
resulted in an obsession which condemns me to
drink and an increasing tolerance of liquor
which condemns me to go mad or die. Yes, I'm
going to try this. And then there was one more
flicker of obstinacy when I said to myself, "But
I don't want any of these evangelical
experiences, I mean it will have to be a kind of
intellectual religion that I'll get, so just to
be sure that I don't go into my emotional tizzy,
I believe I'll go up to see dear old Dr.
Silkworth and have him dry me out. (Memphis,
Tenn., Sept. 18-20, 1947) .
Another Answer
What then did happen at
that kitchen table? Perhaps this speculation
were better left to medicine and religion. I
confess I do not know. Possibly conversion will
never be fully understood.
My friend's story
had generated mixed emotions; I was drawn and
revolted by turns. My solitary drinking went on,
but I could not forget his visit. Several themes
coursed in my mind: First, that his evident
state of release was strangely and immensely
convincing. Second, that he had been pronounced
hopeless by competent medicos. Third, that those
old-age precepts, when transmitted by him, had
struck me with great power. Fourth, I could not,
and would not, go along with any God concept. No
conversion nonsense for me. Thus did I ponder.
Trying to divert my thoughts, I found it no use.
By cords of understanding, suffering, and simple
verity, another alcoholic had bound me to him. I
shall not break away. (Amer J. Psychiat.,
Vol.106, 1949) .
Another Answer
He first told me his
drinking experience, accent on its more recent
horrors, Of course his identification with me
was immediate, and as it proved, deep and vital
indeed. One alcoholic was talking with another
as no one except an alcoholic can. Then he
offered me his naively simple recovery formula.
Not one syllable was new, but somehow it
affected me profoundly.
There he sat, recovered. An
example of what he preached. You will note that
his only dogma was God, which for my benefit he
stretched into an accommodating phrase, a Power
greater than myself. That was his story. I could
take it or leave it. I need feel no obligation
to him. Indeed, he observed, I was doing him a
favor by listening. Besides it was obvious that
he had something more than ordinary "water
wagon" sobriety. He looked and acted "released";
repression had not been his answer. Such was the
impact of an alcoholic who really knew the
score. (N.Y. State J. Med., Vol.50, July 1950)
