STEP 9: Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or
others.
How It Works
Although
these reparations take
innumerable forms, there are
some general principles which we
find guiding. Reminding
ourselves that we have decided
to go to any lengths to find a
spiritual experience, we ask
that we be given strength and
direction to do the right thing,
no matter what the personal
consequences may be. We may lose
our position or reputation or
face jail, but we are willing.
We have to be. We must not
shrink at anything.
-A.A. Big Book p.79
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After we have
made a list of people we have harmed, have reflected
carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess
ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we
will see that the making of direct amends divides those
we should approach into several classes. There will be
those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we
become reasonably confident that we can maintain our
sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only
partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them
or others more harm than good. There will be other cases
where action ought to be deferred, and still others in
which by the very nature of the situation we shall never
be able to make direct personal contact at all.
- Twelve Steps and Twelve
Traditions, p. 83
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timing is an essential part of
this step. We should make amends when the first
opportunity presents itself, except when to do so will
cause more harm. Sometimes we cannot actually make the
amends; it is neither possible nor practical. In some
cases, amends may be beyond our means. We have found
that willingness can serve in the place of action where
we are unable to contact the person we have harmed.
However, we should never fail to contact anyone because
of embarrassment, fear or procrastination.
...In some old relationships, an
unresolved conflict may still exist. We do our part to
resolve old conflicts by making our amends. We want to
step away from further antagonisms and ongoing
resentments. In many instances we can only go to the
person and humbly ask for understanding of past wrongs.
Sometimes this will be a joyous occasion when some old
friend or relative proves very willing to let go of
their bitterness. To go to someone who is hurting from
the burn of our misdeeds can be dangerous. Indirect
amends may be necessary where direct ones would be
unsafe or endanger other people. We can only make our
amends to the best of our ability. We try to remember
that when we make amends, we are doing it for ourselves.
Instead of feeling guilty and remorseful, we feel
relieved about our past.
- Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text,
Chapter 4/Step 9
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The making of amends needs to be
approached cautiously by codependent people. There are
three things amends are or can be. There is one thing
they definitely should not be.
Amends can be these things:
Sincere efforts to offer apology
for past harm.
Wonderful bridge-builders for more
positive future relationships.
Effective agents for removing the
tremendous weight of guilt, shame, and remorse.
The one thing amends should never
be, though, are installment payments on false guilt or
false shame...
There are five categories of
persons to whom we may consider making amends. Notice
how this contrasts with what we did in Step 8. There we
included everyone to whom we were willing to make
amends. In Step 9, however, as we prepare to execute
this step, we use a high degree of discretion regarding
to whom we will make amends and when this should
happen...
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve
Step Recovery, p. 62, 63
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We will need to have the proper
attitude as we approach this step. First, it is good to
have forgiven both ourselves and the people we injured,
regardless of anything they might have done to
retaliate. We will not succeed in resolving the conflict
if we are still angry and defensive.
Second, we need to have a good
idea going into the encounter about what we want to say
and accomplish. Most importantly we want to make sure we
state our apology without assigning any blame to the
ones we injured. We must act responsibly as we make our
confession and attempt amends, having thought through
all the possible consequences so that we will not be
caught off guard and be provoked to anger. A rehearsal
with a sponsor, therapist, or friend may help prepare
us.
We need to be open to any response
we get from people we've injured, and be ready to accept
their response without becoming angry. We are not there
to manipulate them into forgiving us. In order to have
this come off smoothly, we should make every effort to
purge our bad feelings toward the person or incident
before we meet to speak. This will help us resist the
temptation to point out to them what we felt they did to
provoke us. We are only there to talk about our own
behavior.
It is also a good idea not to take
the other person by surprise. They have a right to know
that you intend to make amends. They have a right to
refuse to let you do this at this time....You can leave
an open invitation to talk whenever and wherever they
might feel comfortable at some time in the future.
- The Twelve Step Journal, by
Claudette Wassil-Grimm, p. 224-225
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When we make amends we are simply
telling the person we harmed the truth about our actions
as we now see it, trusting that the healing, the
self-acceptance, and the serenity we will gain is worth
the rejection we may encounter. We are trusting that God
and our fellow seekers in this Way can do more to bring
us to happiness and intimacy than any negative opinion
could hurt us. Although this risking of open rejection
by those to whom we make amends i frightening, we have
the experience of thousands of people who have taken
this step before us to encourage and strengthen us as we
go. After making amends to all the people we listed in
Step Eight, we begin to experience the "promises of the
program"...
Doing Step Nine correctly also
takes courage, prudence, good judgment, and a careful
sense of timing. If you are just coming into the Twelve
Steps as you read this, remember that you're not ready
to do Step Nine yet. You've got eight steps to walk
through first. By the time you get to this point you may
be amazed at the way you have become ready to trust God
and do Step Nine....
- A Hunger for Healing, by Keith
Miller, p. 148
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As you can see, this will be a
lengthy, difficult, soul-searching process that requires
creativity and courage. Your guides can be important
here. By reviewing your process as you go along, they
can help you stay in reality. Maybe they will have
different reactions to the events than you have, or
perhaps they will challenge your intentions or suggest
alternative actions. Remember, these amends do not have
to be done all at once. You deserve time to think and
feel the process through. Again, gentleness is your
goal.
- A Gentle Path Through the Twelve
Steps, by Patrick Carnes, p. 161
Main
Step1
Step2
Step3
Step4
Step5
Step6
Step7
Step8
Step9
Step10
Step11
Step12
|
